How to Foster Community and Make Friends at Church
Share
I’ve moved churches more times than I would have liked over the course of my life. I was a missionary kid and my parents planted churches in Paris. This meant starting a church, helping it build roots, and leaving once it was growing well on its own.
By the time I was 18, I had been to at least six churches – two in England, and four in France. At 18, I went to Edinburgh for university. After trying two churches for a few months each, I settled on one where I stayed for seven years. Then I moved to Newcastle upon Tyne, staying at one church for eight years. I now live and worship in Belfast. By my count, that’s at least 11 churches, or one every four years on average. It would be fair to say I know a thing or two about being new to church and feeling welcome (or not)!
Friendship and Community Takes Time
Before I share my tips for making friends at church, I want to remind you that forming relationships and building community takes time.
However, there are things you can do to speed up the process and make your new church family feel like home. It will take a little discomfort, some courage, and a push to be extroverted, even if that isn't natural to you (it isn’t to me).
Why Go to Church?
The Bible encourages us to meet together (Acts 2 and Hebrews 10:25). This is the primary reason for going to church. If God tells us to, it’s a good idea!
Church attendance also matters because it’s where we worship God together, learn from His Word preached, and grow spiritually. The Church is our family, and we want to meet with family! Believers have been doing this since the time of Jesus when they met in one another’s homes, broke bread together, spoke truth, and encouraged one another to persevere.
Church isn’t something we merely observe, it’s something we’re part of. God gives each believer spiritual gifts to serve others, and the local church is where those gifts are meant to be used. Without church involvement, believers miss out on spiritual maturity. We all need one another’s help, encouragement, and support. As we worship, serve, and live life together, the church reflects God’s love to the world.
What to Look for in a Church
For me, it’s all about the little things and the church’s big focus. Both need to align and be conducive to growth and worship.
First and foremost, I need a church that preaches from the Bible every week. We also need to agree on big points of theology. You can usually narrow down a shortlist of churches that have a statement of faith you agree with by searching online.
I also need to feel able to worship there. For me, a church that’s slow to put song lyrics on the screen is an immediate no. It distracts and frustrates me, and I cannot focus on worshipping God. When I was a student, I wanted a student ministry, but I also felt it was important students were a well-integrated part of the church family as a whole.
If the church reads from the KJV or The Message, that's a no for me, too. One is not easy to understand, and the other is not a translation of scripture, so it doesn’t provide enough depth for study.
How to Make Friends at Church
While you’re choosing a church, there are things you can do to get a feel for the place and the congregation you’ll be joining. Then, once you’re ready to settle somewhere, there are things you can do to begin building better relationships and make friends.
Remember, it’s not an event, it’s a community. Even if you don’t know a thing about them, you have Jesus and your faith in common with the people around you. You’re there to belong and contribute, so even though you’re new, you can say, ‘hello’ and introduce yourself. You can start a conversation. You can ask questions.
Plan to arrive a little early or stay a few minutes after. If you show up late, sit alone, and leave right after the service, friendships won’t form. Those small windows are where conversations start. I know these moments can feel awkward, but a friendly smile and a warm introduction will help you strike up a conversation.
Create familiarity. Sit in the same general area each week. Go to the same service time. Greet the same faces. Friendships in church grow slowly through repeated, low-pressure interactions.
Sunday services are great for worship, but real friendships form in smaller circles. I’d recommend attending a small group or a Bible study. Alternatively, you could sign up for a class or volunteer on a team (choose something with an easy entry level like making coffee and tea after the service). I really got to know people when I joined the Women’s Ministry. Ours includes a mix of bible study and socials, both of which serve different purposes while helping to foster meaningful friendships, and growth with the Lord.
Serve before you socialise. This has been the biggest game-changer for me. Serving side by side builds connection faster than standing around talking. It gives you a shared purpose, natural conversation starters, and repeated interaction with the same people. Look for simple roles such as tea and coffee makers, the tech team, the music team, or join the setting up rota if there is one.
Be bold and take risks. At some point, someone has to make the first move. Be the one to ask if someone wants to go for coffee or meet once a month to work through a Bible study together. If you’ve bonded over something in particular, why not do that thing together! A play date with your kids, a game of hockey, a crafternoon, or a board game night…
How to Welcome Newcomers to Church
If you’ve been in the same church for a while and would like to be better at welcoming newcomers, thank you! Those attending for the first, second or third time will be so grateful. Here are a few tips from someone who has been on the receiving end of such welcomes, as well as many visits to churches where no one seemed to notice me.
Start by saying a cheery hello. Welcome newcomers by asking their name and introducing yourself. Follow this with simple questions like where they’re from and whether they’re new to the area. Offering a genuine compliment or reiterating how welcome they are will be awesome.
Ask questions and listen to the answer. People remember how you made them feel, not so much what you said. Go a notch deeper than superficial weather talk. Ask them what made them come to this church. Or what they got up to this week. Something a little more meaningful and personal, without being creepy and overly intrusive.
If something is happening after the service or in the coming days, briefly explain the event and invite them to come along. This was six years ago, but I still remember how genuinely welcome I felt when a lady on the Women’s Ministry Committee handed me a leaflet and invited me to come along to a ‘girls' night in’ social they were having.
If the person has a young family, let them know the set-up for children’s programmes. Explain where to go, when, and, if possible, introduce them to a leader or someone who can look out for them.
Once a term, my church in Edinburgh held a Student Family Lunch. Students signed up to visit a family’s home, and families signed up to host (specifying how many students they could feed). The student committee then assigned students to families, and on one of those Sundays, families and students enjoyed food and fellowship together. If you are in a position to do this as a church, it is a great idea! It takes a little planning and advanced warning, but my husband and I are still friends with some of the families who hosted us.
Thanks for Stopping By
Whether you’re joining a church or welcoming newcomers, I hope these tips are helpful. If you’ve been inspired by this post, you might find the following links useful too…